When I first contacted Alexey I felt like I had reached either a dead end or a turning point in my sexual life. It was for me to choose which… My experience of intimacy with men so far had been unrewarding, humiliating and also painful at times. Typically, with little self-esteem and no experience I had attracted men who felt unconfident about sex and tried to make up for it by being insensitive. It had led me to believe that the sacred space I instinctively felt I wanted to share in intimacy either did not exist or was of no interest to men.
I was heading towards a life of sexual abstinence when personal life events shook me to the core and made me question everything I thought I was, including sexually.
I realised that these men’s unhealthy image of sex I had tried to comply with had taught me to accept that I was probably frigid, and essentially unlovable and unattractive – as in that ultimate moment there seemed to be no space for listening, sharing or loving. And in believing that, I was not only denying myself pleasure in sex but also the ultimate space of sacred, wholesome womanhood and motherhood as an archetypal experience of connection with oneself and with the world. I now understood that if I wanted to fully grow into who I was as a woman, a partner and a potential (balanced) mother I needed to change my experience of sexuality. And in order to achieve that, I had to first heal the image I had of myself in sexuality, and genuinely try and understand what healthy, loving and fulfilling sex is both for men and women.
I could have spent years in therapy talking things through (with someone who, let’s face it, might or might not be sexually fulfilled themselves) but as a healer myself I knew that what I truly needed was simply to be guided, hands on, by a male who was anchored, balanced and disinterested, able to hold a space of purity when I revealed my utmost vulnerability – simply showing me true male love-energy from a healer’s place. An earthed approach to an earthed issue…
It took all the courage I had simply to start researching the possibility of such a healer. I didn’t talk about it to anyone, I just googled on. It took more courage and determination to carry on looking, having to sieve through the porn that came up in my search results – only confirming the destructive image I already had of sex – feeling deep in my heart that the right person was there somewhere.
And one day, miraculously – though I don’t remember changing the key words to my search – this website showed up at the top of the list and I knew I had found what I was looking for.
I was shaking like a leaf when I first rang the doorbell for my first appointment in London. On the journey by train and bus to the address I had scribbled on a piece of paper I kept telling myself “this is completely mad and you don’t have to go through with this if you don’t want to”. But the more I questioned my heart and my inner guides, the more clearly I heard that this was totally and completely right. I felt like invisible, loving hands were serenely holding mine and leading me through my fear and on to the place I had asked for, and that happy serenity poured into me as the bus drove on. And I knew that when that man would open the door and I looked into his eyes I would know instantly if he was genuine or not, and there would still be time then to turn away.
Alexey opened the door and all my remaining doubts and flight instincts vanished on the spot. His eyes were true, I sensed the healing space he had prepared both in his heart and around the place and it resonated with honesty. I was struck by his youth – not a wizened old guru – and respected him all the more for following his truth with such integrity despite the unconventional nature of his call. I felt safe and incommensurably happy to have let courage guide my steps to this place.
For the first time I felt that I could open-heartedly and shamelessly share all I was as a sexual woman – all my doubts and questions and experiences – and that they were being received, heard and honoured by someone who simply understood and cared – and knew what to do about it. The first session was about giving me a sensual experience of myself that was safe and loving. Alexey’s expert touch guided by his heart in purity and honesty called to life the sensual woman I had always been but had never been able to express. I felt washed of all negative projections and filled with a vibrant capacity to love with and through my body that seemed to come from a core place shared by all female beings. It was still shy in its expression but I felt it flowing through me, and more than anything else it was a tremendous relief to connect with that sacred flow within myself, telling me that I could be intimately alive and loving in the way that I knew was right – with a feeling of deep happiness and fulfillment rather than shame and embarrassment. I felt that this was what every woman should be given to experience when first touched by a man, like an ancestral law of opposites nourishing each other and bringing each other to life. I stopped believing that I was incomplete, frigid or otherwise diminished and cherished the feeling of being whole and healthy and enjoying it. I felt so full with that living energy that I wanted to sing it out loud and share it with the entire world!
I came back for more sessions to work on my doubts that I could in turn hold a similarly rewarding sexual space for a man. I have learnt – and am still learning – the confidence in taking my place in the sharing of intimacy, how to listen and give, how to open and touch in a way that is both truly me and truly rewarding for my sexual partner. Alexey’s teaching is always valuable to me because he never lets anything escape his awareness – everything is addressed straight away and in the simplest, fuss-free way. He always puts the learning first. Every question is answered with genuine – and sometimes harsh – simplicity, every gesture comes from a place of honesty and healing care. His intentions are clear and honoured. I feel that his touch has reprogrammed me to live my sexual life from a place of joy and giving. And yet in his hands I have never felt flirted with or cheated – simply held and guided with love and generosity. He is a true healer in the most sacred sense.
I feel that Tantric lovemaking is an ongoing path and a lifetime of learning. I have certainly met more thresholds to overcome in every session. But my sexual life has already been completely transformed by the few sessions I have had so far, as simply giving me the confidence in who I can be with men and the space I can hold for a partner had led me to enjoying sex in a way I had never done before. I feel that I can approach the prospect of intimacy relaxedly and happily where I was tense and fearful before, and ensure that the experience is (highly!) rewarding for both myself and my partner
There has never been a moment when I’ve regretted taking that step and giving myself to the experience of Tantric healing. I feel on every level that it was not only the right thing to do, but that it has brought me purity and unconditional love in lovemaking where the men in my life couldn’t have done. Something I am now able to hold within myself regardless of who I meet… and that has triggered me to meeting very different men too. It’s like it’s pulled me out of a vicious circle.
When I first experienced this I wanted to tell everyone on the street about it so that we could all be healed… J Thankfully I had the sense not to but I do tell certain people when they seem ready to hear about it and might benefit from it too. I wish there was an Alexey in every woman’s life. Those women’s men would be grateful for it too.
Alexey had told me on our first meeting that most men are interested in genuine, rewarding sex for women, and if they don’t yet know how to make that happen they are generally very keen to learn. And to my utmost surprise I have now found that this is true. It only takes a woman who trusts herself to hold that space. The men I have met since have whole-heartedly blessed me for teaching them such heightened pleasure and connection in sex through… listening to each other with our hearts and bodies rather than through technique and performance.
And every time, in my heart I send their blessings along with mine on to Alexey.