It is easy to believe that there is plenty of information on making love we automatically find in our lives, so we often feel well informed. But have you ever considered that the real question is not what you know but…
How do you know what you know about sex? Where did it come from? Are you sure it is true?
Let’s look at all the ways we get our sexual education, in order of appearance:
From our teens on we get most of our knowledge of sex from our friends and peers. In school, it is usually someone particularly exuberant – not necessarily well-informed. Later it is someone who is more vocal – again, not necessarily well-informed.
Have you ever noticed that everyone around seems to be having a great sex life, and that when sex conversations take place they tend to be discussing various curiosities rather than helpful advice? People are often not very genuine about their own experiences because they feel insecure talking about sex.
Only sometimes are you lucky enough to have a very open and productive conversation with a close friend. Most of the time people tend to hide the imperfections in their sex lives, which only makes the listener feel deficient and insecure. Take care of your self-esteem and don’t believe everything you hear.
Women may watch less porn than men but they are indirectly very affected by it, because men get most of their sexual knowledge from porn and they are the ones who usually lead the sex act. Women are then pressured to conform to porn stereotypes.
Even though women may feel the initial revolt against it, women often end up believing that this is how sex should be and they should make more of an effort to learn those ways. Eventually some women get rewired to enjoy this kind of sex and become unresponsive to true lovemaking.
Porn is made by men, for men. It feeds on the most primitive instincts and it doesn’t represent reality at all. It is made with the purpose of making money, giving men their most common fantasies.
There is no place for love in porn, it glorifies at best the superficial and at worst violent and egotistical sexual behaviour. Since it is made for men, it also represents women in a completely unrealistic way. Women in porn are not at all how most women are. Yet men believe that this is the case, get used to this idea and then project it onto women. Men themselves then suffer from this discrepancy between the world of complete fantasy and the reality of being with a woman.
Most people only get the “how babies are made” chat from their parents and child upbringing at the moment rarely involves helping teenagers to prepare themselves for a good love life. Even if you are a lucky enough to have had those conversations with your parents, how do you know you have not just inherited someone else’s misconceptions?
Trial and error, as well as good insightful experiences, are a major source of learning for us.
It is easy to spot what is not good for you, although even then we often doubt our conclusions surrounded by false information.
It is harder to find what is good for us. Are you sure that you have ever been given the right space, the right conditions to really discover yourself? The vast majority of people have sex on a very limited level. Most partners don’t give themselves or the other a chance to really feel through what sex can be, and then decide that this is their sexual reality.
You may have developed ways to cope with this which now doesn’t let you experience more, such as obsessive clitoral stimulation. Personal experience is only valid to learn from if it created all the right experiences for you, but in many cases this is not the case and there is a lot more to learn that can challenge your beliefs if you got the right experience.
When women have the experience of the Yoni massage, for example, in my sessions of Tantric massage for women, they find that all their previous experiences of vaginal sex were completely opposed to how the vagina really works.
Science and Media
Science researches sex and then the media spreads those findings. Women then read them in magazines and on the internet. These findings are taken as general proven truths.
Science comes up with a lot of misconceptions. The research is normally based on a male model of sexuality, normally by researchers who take a very clinical attitude in order to get funding as professional scientists. Sex was a difficult subject to approach in religion, now it is in science too. The research is often carried out on a purely physical level of stimulating the nerves and doesn’t touch on essential aspects of sexuality, especially female sexuality, the mental and emotional. It is conducted in clinical conditions where female sexuality becomes absolutely dead. There has also been a lot of bias observed in the methodology. All in all, science is, at the moment, totally ill-equipped to give an accurate picture of sexuality and how it can be improved. A lot of it remains hidden within this approach.
These flawed findings are then fed into the media. Journalists commercialise on the fact that sex sells and transmit any sensationalist idea with disregard for how accurate the conclusions are. Often, both men and women are presented with a very distorted version of the truth but since it is scientifically acquired, they bend to it. Particularly affected are women who end up feeling deficient and inferior to all those other supposedly ecstatic women out there.
Science itself admits that its approaches are not prescriptive, they are descriptive. In other words, its job is not to advise on how to have a better sex life, but to describe what is out there (and in many cases with faulty approach). What use is it to know how many pathological deviations are out there and what the percentages are? The important question is what the causes are and what you can do about them.
Some medical outlets provide sex advice and people are even recommended to see their GPs for sexual problems. Even less than narrow-field science, what exactly will someone from a medical school know about sex? The views held in medicine find their way into mainstream media too and contribute to your belief system. Medicine looks at sex as a biological act that needs particular physical or hormonal stimulation, in many cases drugs too. Medicine is not there to give you advice on making love, it is there to find out if you need a pill.
So think about it – where did your own knowledge come from?
How much of what you know is true and how can you be sure? And how much truth haven’t you had access to in your life?
Even most of the sex experts – manuals and therapists – draw on these same sources of knowledge to give their advice. The reason Tantric sexual knowledge has a much more accurate view of sexuality is because for millennia it has been explored as an experience by very conscious and aware individuals who weeded out misconceptions and confusion, and it was always approached holistically from the entire perspective of the human being in the search for truth within a philosophy. There may well be a lot more to discover, but it is certainly a much more accurate approach than those that exist in our culture now.
Tantric wisdom offers you keys to the doors of your sexual energy. It is not a dogma, it is just an opportunity for you to explore and decide for yourself what works, with good guidance. Amongst different approaches, a Tantric Massage for women is an experiential way to do this – exploring how your body would really feel when approached correctly.