Many women do not allow themselves to connect with a man because they experience fear of making an emotional connection.
There can be a fear of being mistreated, or losing your freedom, or being seen for who you really are, if there is a trauma in the past.
However, most often it is a fear of attachment. Women know they fall in love easily. A fear of attachment is essentially a fear of loss. What if the good thing stops and you can’t have it any more? What if you want more but the other person is not prepared to shift a level? What if you will want more so much it will hurt? Is it better to just not start anything?
How Fears Happen
Say, you have met a man and are having a fantastic connection with him, he makes you feel wonderful and you are really enjoying this moment of your life. It is seemingly a good thing that can bring something beautiful into your life. It makes you feel alive.
However, immediately you start projecting into the future. Will it last for long and will you suffer if you can’t have it any more? Will it fit in with your life and will it make you sacrifice things? Where will it go and will he agree to satisfy your needs?
You are no longer living your life, you are trapped in your thoughts and your life is run by your imagination, of things that don’t exist yet. What really does exist you are no longer paying attention to, preoccupied only with what isn’t yet.
If it weren’t for the future you would keep having an amazing time. But now it becomes a torment, you can no longer simply enjoy how good you feel, you are more preoccupied with how long you will keep feeling this good. What you live is no longer important, the project of where it will end is. As if once you have constructed it all you will be able to lay back and enjoy it…
How NOT To Deal With Your Fears
Many women have experienced this loss in the past and they have firmly decided that unless they get reassurance that the good will last, it is best not to feel the good. We start asking for guarantees, watching how the other person commits. Are they “seriously intended”, do they speak of long-term plans, do they affirm their monogamous nature? What can you read about what they will do in the future? Fears map the relationship between you.
So a woman opens only if she gets enough reassurance that it is safe to open, that she won’t be hurt through loss. However, can this guarantee be given? People change, people go, and everybody lies – at least to themselves. There are absolutely no guarantees for anything in life.
So a woman holds back. At worst she never opens herself to opportunities. At best one day she is convinced enough by a guarantee and carefully she opens. And then the guarantee fails, and the fallout from this break of trust throws her even deeper into closing her heart to connecting with any man.
This is because believing someone that they will not leave you can never work as a strategy – it is a promise no one can keep. The only guarantee a woman can have is that she will be able to deal with it well if it happens.
But by holding back a woman never develops this ability, doesn’t get the experience of it. Avoidance as a strategy keeps her unprepared, unequipped, and the word of a man is the only thing she can count on. It is a powerless position… In effect it exposes her to even more risk – the trauma of being left when she did for once believe.
Fear-Based Dating And Relationships
Fear of love creates unsatisfactory relationships even when a relationship works out.
Many people build their relationships catering to the security of their fears as their primary drive, instead of truly enjoying each other from generous love and sharing. A relationship becomes a tool to quieten your fears.
Fear of loss, fear of suffering, fear of unfulfilled dreams, fear of being alone, fear of not having your needs met, fear of becoming dependent, and many others.
For most people, the strategy is to get reassurance for their fears. Dating quickly turns into a calculation, a negotiation. People feel they have to make promises, to change themselves in ways that fit the other’s fears. They start being in love with the future together rather then with each other now. They restrict each other and force commitment that creates a feeling of entrapment. The other is immediately burdened with responsibilities, and so are you. The air gets heavy, you are no longer celebrating the joy of being together and letting things grow naturally. You are working hard in the negative energy of fear, limiting each other and forcing everything to fit.
Even if all the fears have been reassured, the very habit of doing it stays. Fear stays as the dominant force in the relationship. Other fears come – fear of growing apart, fear of power shift, fear of loss of attraction, fear of competition, etc. You feel the grip of the energy of fear in you constantly even if your partner is willing to reassure you on them, because if you let them be it is the nature of the mind to find more things to feel anxious about, other possibilities that haven’t been considered. Feeding your fears with reassurance is a way to eternal suffering.
Fear is a destructive force in the sexuality of a woman. A relationship starting in fears fills her with negative energy, doesn’t let her come alive to her man. She may think she will be opening little by little but it is that first stretch of a relationship that may define how well it will go. By the time she feels her fears have been satisfied a dynamic might be created that it not very joyful.
In dating, fear makes people have less choices and sabotage good opportunities. Many times you just have to try rather than analyze and you don’t take that plunge. Fear doesn’t let you take chances and diminishes a person you are seeing. A good man may pass you by, when you are unable to connect because of your fears, coming across as someone you are really not. Fear distorts who you see and communicates misleading messages about you.
Fears are our own stuff to deal with within ourselves, our own incompletion without the other, our mistrust in our ability to deal with life well enough. But instead of weeding it out of ourselves we expect the other person to cater to them, and hence we are never fully in control – creating more dependency on the other.
People respect fear as something to consider with honouring, but it is a limitation, a negative influence, a restriction on your energies. Fear stops you from living.
The only way out to a true fulfilling intimacy is to not look for a satisfaction of your fears – is to look for living without fear. And it is a training process anyone can undertake.
Fear of love takes becoming more complete, not looking for answers in another, dealing with her own stuff. It is a complex process that takes personal development, getting more grounded in yourself and understanding that ultimately only you can make yourself happy, and only your thoughts – over which you can have control – create suffering.
However, with regards to intimacy there are some attitudes a woman can practice to help herself to become fear free. It may not even be in a relationship she ultimately wants, it may be in casual relationships or in non-sexual relationships, but it all counts towards developing a general ability to take responsibility for her own life and feelings.
1. Practising Presence
One of the most important ways to liberate yourself from projections that cause fear is to practice presence in the moment with your lover. It is an understanding that being together is for the purpose of living through the beauty of this moment, appreciating the richness of life. That you are not just going through the motions, carefully constructing the future project of a relationship with the bricks of each moment. That this moment of joy together is actually what this is all for – to be happy together, and happiness is now, not some objective in the future. Otherwise you end up with a well-constructed future but none of the joy actually lived.
You just have to connect with everything you feel in the now with your lover, as much as you can, savour and feel every drop of it. When fears come and you are with your lover, be in the present, feel what you feel with him and fears will have nothing to hang on to. When you are apart and fears come, stop dwelling, be in the present again, in whatever you are doing, in your life, knowing that you simply don’t know the future.
Fear is always about the future. As long as you are present in appreciating this moment fear has nothing to project. There is no future, so nothing to fear.
Even if you would like to construct a long-term relationship, in a paradox the best way is to live it moment to moment, as if the relationship is not the objective. Then you are releasing the best of your energies of love, you are truly letting the other person see you, and you can see them in reality. Appreciating each moment together can then naturally develop, unforced, into a natural stronger connection. Staying in the moment, with no projections even if you would like some, creates the best dynamic where you are genuinely appreciating each other and not letting fears bring in negative energy and distance.
And if something doesn’t work out long-term, you have achieved the objective anyway. The objective was to live life in its moments of beauty, to collect moments of happiness, and you didn’t waste time when you had the opportunity, you did exactly that. Those moments were complete and the non-continuation doesn’t devalue them. Your life is now richer because of having experienced that. When you keep this in perspective, you have a feeling of completion, that whatever happens in the future, you have already achieved your purpose in it, so it matters less.
This is an ability that is practiced. You can practice it in casual relationships, or even non-sexual relationships, to be able to then enter into a relationship.
2. Practising Gratitude
You have a choice. You have lived a beautiful day and you can be grateful that you have received a gift from life, something really special and your life altogether is richer for it. Alas, you can have it no longer, it is a shame, of course you would have liked to, but it is better to have lived some of it than none at all and have your life poorer for it.
Or you can focus on how rubbish it is to not be able to have more of it, and all that’s left from this experience is the pain of want that can no longer be satisfied. You devalue this beautiful experience just because it cannot last forever. Only if it lasts forever can you consider it good. You deny yourself living and prefer to have no experiences in life.
Most things don’t last forever – and that is most things by far. Is our life poor because of it? Think of all the good things in your life that haven’t lasted forever and notice the fondness with which you think of them. Notice how you congratulate yourself on having experienced them.
Gratitude is appreciation of the gifts of life. Every time you are with your lover be grateful that you are living this beauty. You could have been in your cold bed alone. Every moment is a gift. If it happens again, bonus. If it doesn’t – thank you for the gift. It is definitely better to have lived and lost than to have lived nothing at all.
Gratitude is an ability that is practiced, built in yourself, long-term. It is not a decision, it is daily training. When you develop your ability to be grateful – in casual relationships or non-sexual aspects of your life – you can create a powerful pure dynamic with a prospective long-term partner. Gratitude makes people flourish, makes them want to give you more. Fear comes across as ungrateful, greedy, like you don’t get enough from them and ignore what they give you, consumed in your need for more. It is an unpleasant feeling that he shared something with you but because you wanted more it wasn’t appreciated.
Practice more gratitude and your fears will have less to hang on to.
Gratitude is also often mentioned in the now popular law of attraction. Gratitude is the force that brings you more possibilities and opportunities and the right person can come into your life.
When you practice gratitude it leaves you safer. If things last – great. If things don’t last – great that they did last for as long as they did. When you keep that in perspective you have a feeling of satisfaction in the moment with your partner and what will happen in the future becomes more irrelevant, hence less frightening.
3. Practising Love
Often, we worry more about whether we are loved than about whether we are loving. Even when we dream of falling in love it is in a away that would fascinate us, mesmerise us, give us amazing feelings, rather than the act itself of sharing our love. Then the fears come because the main purpose of this kind of love – receiving good feelings – could be withdrawn.
Women often feel their love as a reaction to a man’s offer of security. Their love is often a response to enough proof, because they are afraid of having their love misplaced. But it is that very fear that creates the fear of loss. If love is something someone causes in you, they can take it away. Woman remains at the mercy of man, powerless.
In fact, a woman’s energies of love are her own, she can express them whenever she wants, she doesn’t need to wait for them to be a reaction. It becomes a matter of choice and as such no one can take it away from you.
Loving someone in itself can be an incredibly beautiful and enriching act. It is an act of generosity, expressing your own beauty and nobility, nourishing another human being. It can fulfil you just by itself. It makes your being come alive.
Love by definition is in the moment, it is not trying to get something back – it is an energy that you enjoy spilling out of you and it makes you feel good right now.
It is in woman’s nature. Woman is a mother, a nourisher, a life-giver. For her to love is to exist in her true nature. There needs be no other purpose.
When we don’t see love as a formal exchange or currency, but an act of expressing our own nature, it becomes a purpose in itself and it enriches our beings. Then the purpose in itself has been achieved, we feel more alive and whether this will last or not matters less.
Naturally, we are not talking about loving someone even though they mistreat you back, or not wanting to be loved in return. But women can realize that they can find love in themselves to make the first offering and see what comes back, and this means that your love is yours to give. Practicing this fills every moment with self-contained meaning. It is no longer for the purpose of maintaining some future relationship, and there is still a meaning to it even if the moment with a man ends. It has enriched your life. By not seeing love as an investment you get less fear of not getting a return on your investment.
Practising this long term without reciprocity may be impossible. But practicing it at every opportunity in small doses allows you to strengthen in your presence in the moment of love. One of the easiest ways to relate to this kind of love is through your body, in sex.
Then you can start relationships focusing on your energy of love rather than needing to be loved. You can inspire a man you have just met and create a powerful connection sooner.
4. Faith in Life
How many times did we grieve the loss of something we thought we were never going to find again, only to get a better still version of it later? How many times did we lose something perfect only to find out later, in retrospective, why it wasn’t the best for us, and how it was a stepping stone that taught us something for the real best opportunity later in life?
One thing about life is that it is rich, it is full of opportunities and surprises. There is always something else around the corner. It never ends and you will never be left with nothing. We only need to open to it, to take chances, to allow things to happen, and only without fear can we do it. Fear is a self-fulfilling prophecy – the more you are afraid the less chances you take, and then you can take less from life, making you feel there indeed a risk you won’t find a happy moment again if you lose this one.
What is meant to be happens. Our internal state directs what we need and it comes into our life. But only as an offer, we still have to overcome our fears to take it. If something doesn’t work out, there could have been something in your internal state that wasn’t very compatible with it, and maybe it was best for you that it didn’t work out.
Life also doesn’t give you its best gift straightaway. It feeds you little by little, training you on lesser gifts until you know what to do with the real deal when you encounter it. Otherwise you may well waste the opportunity or even not see it. So whatever comes is to be taken, if it feels good, in faith that it leads to a final destination.
Again, this is something that is practiced through experience. You have to go out there and collect these experiences, know that this is what happens on a long enough time-line. If you stay in your shell you never get to believe it.
5. Putting Yourself in Situations of Trial
Life doesn’t cause suffering. Life just happens. Our thoughts cause suffering. Maybe we expected something far from reality, maybe we interpret something wrong, maybe we feel we won’t be able to cope, maybe we blame the external for a lack within us. Behind every painful emotion is a thought. A thought that exists only in your head, not in reality. A thought that is ultimately a choice to have or not to have.
It is within our power to not hold on to our beliefs as if it was the truth. It is the truth only within our microworld, created by our experiences, memory and the limitations of our human senses and mathematical mind unable to perceive finer truths in reality. We can arm ourselves with tools to investigate and change those thoughts. If we practice long enough it becomes easy and we can do it even before it reaches a painful emotional reaction.
Until we are able to deal with the reality in our heads, we are forever vulnerable and unprotected. Life will keeps hurting us unless we take no chances at all. Because life will keep happening and we will keep being at the mercy of whatever insanity our mind interprets. We will never be able to prevent things from happening, we can never avoid the causes of suffering, we can only equip ourselves to deal with live’s events and to disarm our negative thoughts.
It is also our journey to realize that your happiness and suffering don’t depend on something external – perhaps another person. That if you feel someone needs to fulfil you it will never happen because the real lack is within you with yourself. We have to become more centred, more grounded, more self-sufficient for our own happiness. The other person can be there only as an extra beautiful energy in your life – in the emotional sense – but not to satisfy a dire need.
We can learn these abilities just as naturally as we learn body movement or communication – through experience. Lots of experience, until it becomes competence of practice. You can’t just read a book and feel equipped for that one and only time you will need to use it. This is why if you never put yourself in positions where you can learn, you never will, and you will remain unequipped, waiting for a knight in shining armour who will promise you he will never leave you.
All the abilities above – presence, gratitude, love, faith in life – need practice – perhaps at first not even in your best chance of a relationship. You could even develop them in your casual relationships, or those that end up failing. Life has a way of giving you good chances when you are ready to take advantage of them properly. There aren’t that many good chances in life and you can easily waste one if you are not ready. So all experiences can be a step to this learning, for this one day in the future when it will all come in useful.
As mentioned before, avoidance is the worst thing you can do because it leaves you totally unprepared and vulnerable. You have to put yourself in situations where you can learn to deal with your fears and pain, there is no other way, only through experience can you become stronger.
Losing a lover is an experience you want to go through to learn. Even if you feel you have done this enough already, and you are so hurt by it that you don’t want it to happen again. You need to reach the stage where you can let go of things that end, with gratitude and faith in life. Then you will feel strong enough to take chances.
Fear is a thought “I wont be able to cope with it”. If you have little experience of coping with loss, or you managed loss poorly in the past, then you believe that thought and you feel fear. If you have seen that you can cope with it, you survived and even learned, there is no fear. You can give something a chance and if it doesn’t happen you know you will be able to deal with it. But who knows, maybe it will work out? There is nothing you can know about a situation until you try, it would all be your imagination.
Naturally, you don’t expose yourself to loss with blunt masochism. You choose your situations well, and loss is something that isn’t intended. You may choose a situation that won’t necessarily last but will at least allow you to practice your strength. Should loss happen, it is a process that you undertake consciously, with self-awareness, you use it as your training ground, you don’t just wait until it blows over. You explore the thoughts that make you hurt, the projections that are too distant from reality and hence cause pain, you feel the disconnection from the present moment that makes you hurt. It is important to approach this process with the right tools. Meditation can help you see how your mind is not the ultimate reality, observe how it works and makes you suffer, and dissociate from that influence of it. ‘The Work’ by Byron Katie can help you investigate false beliefs that make you suffer and release yourself from them. Once you are equipped to deal with your emotions you can take another chance without fear, in the safety net of your abilities to deal with it. It is impossible to learn without going through the experience itself.
You will also see the old truth – that things are scarier when we imagine them than when they actually happen. The imagined pain is greater than when the pain actually comes. As Byron Katie said – the worst thing that can happen to us is our thoughts. Seeing that things are not as bad as you thought they would be is reassuring for the next time and diminishes your fear.
However, most of this learning doesn’t happen during the break-up. The break-up only shows you that you can deal with it if the worst were to happen, giving you more confidence for the future. The real work is in the relationship itself, day-to-day. It is the fear that is your real problem, and the fear will be there daily, giving you an opportunity to practice daily. With the right tools you can observe how a beautiful thing can be turned by your fears into a dreadful one, and you can do something about it moment by moment. It can be a tremendous opportunity for personal growth as it goes beyond just relationships – the ability to master your mind, that is – but it will certainly make you stronger for a relationship.
It is important to not use past experiences to draw conclusions. In the past you might have dealt with pain or fear in unconstructive ways. If you approach it from a different perspective, as your training ground to better yourself, you may have a very different experience.