I have many women contact me with the hope that the having a Tantric massage session with me in London will help them to have better and easier orgasms.
In particular, people often look for Yoni massage as some sort of procedure a therapist performs that ‘resets’ your body to orgasm better from the same stimulation.
However, we all know that things with women are not all so mechanical and straightforward.
A woman can have an orgasm in two ways:
She can concentrate on the physical stimulation, treating the clitoris and vagina as just a nerve that needs to be rubbed correctly.
Or she can make the physical touch a part of the bigger picture – her emotional connection, her mind and sexual life of her whole body, as approached in Tantric sex teachings.
At this moment science explores only the orgasm through physical stimulation, seeing this as the only thing that matters. Sex experts then transmit these findings as advice.
Many women can achieve an orgasm through concentrating on physical stimulation only, and many women can’t. Out of the women that can, many con only do it on their own.
However, even if they can it is usually way below what a woman is capable of orgasmically. Her sexual energy is pent up in one place – the genitals – and what she gets is not a holistic whole body ecstasy, it is usually a short lived local sensation for a moment. Many times women work hard to get there, only to find that they expected something bigger.
This kind of orgasm is basically just a physiological reflex, like a knee jerk. Any animal equipped with the right biology has those orgasms. But we are humans, and we want much more from this experience. By treating the orgasm as just a nerve we can never achieve true fulfilment.
A woman’s body also often isn’t designed to be easily stimulated physically in penetration, so to climax women have to do it outside penetration, as a separate project that takes away they feeling of connectedness with the man. Orgasm becomes for the sake of itself, not as part of love-making.
Achieving this physically caused climax can be hard work – it needs to be finely tuned and all kinds of factors can influence your ability to orgasm this way. It becomes a project to be done correctly, rather than a lovemaking to enjoy.
This kind of orgasm doesn’t leave much behind in terms of deep fulfilment or connection with your partner, it just doesn’t reach far. It also isn’t great for making your man last longer or be more loving – if he sees you trying so hard to get the orgasm out of your genitals and forgetting everything else on the way, it is quite hard for him not to do the same. Essentially, you become each other’s masturbation tool.
Women vary greatly in their anatomy, which affects a lot how easily they can get orgasm through purely physical stimulation. Some women get it easily, others only after hard work, some won’t get them at all. You may even explore your orgasm extensively but still find that it can be elusive on a day to day basis.
There is no reason to get terribly frustrated if you don’t have this kind of orgasm – it means you just need to look more in other directions beyond physical stimulation to achieve either an orgasmic experience or simply deeply fulfilling sex.
Unlike in men, this kind of basic mechanical orgasm is not what the whole woman’s being is geared towards, it is secondary, just a side option. A woman is predisposed more for another, more holistic orgasmic experience.
When women say an orgasm is a beautiful thing that unites you with your partner, they sense intuitively that it can be this way, but this mechanical orgasm is rarely such an experience. The relief of releasing all that sexual tension after all that hard work and concentration is often mistaken for a sexual wonder, but it really isn’t that much compared with what you can feel.
Women often get those holistic wonderful orgasms too. This happens spontaneously, intuitively, in the right situation, when they open up in all the right ways. The idea, of course, would be to make this a more conscious experience, so that you know how to open yourself to it rather than rely on pure chance.
As for the physically caused orgasms, there is no reason not to have them if you really feel like a mediocre but quick orgasm, but at the same time it doesn’t make much sense to look in that direction if you want to improve your orgasmic experience, trying to squeeze more out of it with different techniques. There isn’t much more that’s left to be found there.
If you have never touched your clitoris it is worth experimenting, of course, and there isn’t much to it – just trying different ways of touching it and seeing where it takes you. Try to go slower, follow the signals of pleasure that your body is sending you, vary different ways of touching it and notice what works best. It is good as the beginning of your sexual exploration of yourself.
If you have already explored your clitoris and you still feel that the experience is quite mediocre, then it makes sense to expand your experience beyond just the physical stimulation, and not to get obsessed with trying to get there by going anti-clockwise or pressing harder.