Achieving a female orgasm is supposed to be the Holy Grail of sexuality and lots has been written on it. The usual view is that you just need to learn a good technique of physically stimulating the nerves. It is widely believed by sex experts that this stimulation can rarely happen enough in penetration and the woman needs to be stimulated with a tongue or fingers to have a chance of an orgasm.
This view comes from the scientific anatomical perspective. Researchers apply all their anatomical knowledge, poking this nerve or electrifying that nerve, making all conclusions on the basis of how the physical body reacts to different stimulation while the woman herself is completely detached, surrounded by men in white.
All this eminence has missed out a small but important detail – the woman doesn’t have a penis. Women are treated as men in this research – they are rubbed with no attention to their emotional involvement or situational comfort, they are shown porn to make them aroused, they are discarded as anorgasmic if a hard rub didn’t make them come.
Then these “findings” are spread by the media and sex experts and considered to be general truths. The general truth, though is quite unpleasant:
When women take this approach they often find that getting an orgasm can be quite hard in general, and indeed very hard in penetration. Some women never manage. Most women think there is something wrong with them, believing that all other women are having great orgasms this way. Women who do achieve orgasms this way still often feel cheated – it takes hard work and the sensation is not as amazing as it is said to be. Besides, stopping sex and doing something completely different to get an orgasm (oral or manual stimulation) is not exactly the ideal of uniting in love-making and many women are frustrated by this.
There is no reason to despair if you have difficulties achieving an orgasm this way – it isn’t meant to happen this way, from purely physical stimulation, and women are fed dubious “truths” by researchers who simply ignore large areas of female sexuality, building their research on women on a male model.
The road to a female orgasm is a lot more multi-dimensional than to a male orgasm and mechanical stimulation is not enough – this is why women often don’t get there. All women know that for them sex is a much more global, emotional and holistic experience than for men, but they are misled by media into believing that this doesn’t apply to orgasm. Female orgasm potential is much bigger and deeper than what women normally have. They try to achieve it by varying their physical stimulation technique but that mechanical stimulation is only a small part of what needs to happen.
You need to see it holistically. A female orgasm is something you open to, not something you force – that just blocks it. You create all the right atmosphere within your being to let it happen. You walk towards it from many different directions, not just pressing one button repeatedly. Then at one moment your being is so fully sexually open that you feel a much deeper expansion of pleasure than a normal physical orgasm, something that flows and vibrates through your whole being, that is a highly emotional and connecting experience after which you feel beauty, love and glow.
Think back to a memory of having a wonderful orgasm with your partner. Not just an intense sharp sensation, but a fulfilling sense of happiness, glow and intimacy. Not all women have had this experience and many of those who have haven’t had many of them in their lives. You will most likely remember that with that man you felt trust, deep emotional connection and openness. You were probably very giving to him and perhaps even in love.
That wasn’t a result of a great orgasm – those were the conditions for it to happen.
Relaxation, physical and mental, is one of the most important things for a true female orgasm. A woman who is tense and worried about getting an orgasm distances herself from it infinitely. She slams on the brakes because her gentle being goes into alarm and overload. Physical tension during arousal pressurises your sexual energy in one place and doesn’t let it expand. When a woman is relaxed she is half way towards the orgasm, but this can’t happen by just telling yourself to relax. This is where learning Tantric sexual technique, e.g. by receiving a professional Tantric massage, helps a woman to be relaxed not by trying hard to relax but by creating deep and natural flow of sexual energy that feels relaxed.
A woman has to learn to increase her sensitivity in body in mind, she needs to learn to feel things more. Most women have not reached even a half of sensitivity available to them. Their bodies remain unexplored and don’t contribute to the journey of orgasm, and their genitals are desensitized by too much stimulation. This is something that can be learned and increased through mental techniques, emotional learning and attention, (in particular the Yoni massage therapy I offer in London develops your ability) and then sexual sensations come easier, larger and bring her closer to orgasm.
A woman has to learn to tune her mind to the right wavelength where an orgasm happens naturally and organically. Often the woman’s mind mind creates too much interference while it can be an open gate that lets orgasmic energies flow in. An attuned mind within a sexual connection is an important part of the deep orgasm. The mind is a powerful thing, it can direct the energies of love and orgasm into their highest state, but we are not talking about just concentrating hard on forcing yourself to have an orgasm – that cuts you off from those energies.
A woman has to make sex an emotional and loving experience. Her energies of love have to flow through her body if a deep orgasm has any chance of happening. She has to become an open, loving and emotionally creative being. This is’t magic, this is something we can learn and cultivate, e.g. I coach people consistently in my Tantric sex workshops in London. It doesn’t depend on your partner, it doesn’t take a fairy tale love story – it happens in you, within your own world and it depends on your own intentions. A woman who can feel deep love in that moment is infinitely closer to orgasm, and she can learn to create that feeling with anyone.
A woman has to consciously expand sex to her whole body. Her arousal and orgasmic energy is not just in the genitals, it streams in from many areas of her body. She needs to know how to involve them, how to direct that arousal from them, how to do it gradually and give it time. Yet most women haven’t had a chance to explore most of their bodies and they concentrate on genitals, not knowing that a lot of orgasmic power comes from elsewhere.
This may all sound a lot of work but in fact it is just an enjoyable journey, because all those things don’t just make an orgasm more possible for you – they make every moment richer and more fulfilling, to the point of not even worrying about the orgasm, enjoying this experience immensely for the sake of itself, and learning all these things is an exquisitely pleasant experience.
So, the road to a good orgasm for a woman, especially vaginal orgasms, is not through a physical technique of stimulating a nerve reflex. A woman needs to invest into her total ability to enjoy sex, to enhance every moment of it through her whole body, heart and mind.
Then all of this comes together to create a space where a female orgasm can happen and it can be an orgasm that flows deep and stays with you in the relationship as radiant sunshine. And the most beautiful thing is that it is an orgasm that has a good chance of happening in penetration (providing your man is not racing), when you are embracing and united, as it should be.
This will not happen by changing the clitoral stimulation from clockwise to anti-clockwise or from softer to harder. This is something that even medicine and science are beginning to acknowledge. Sex therapists will recommend a “relaxed and intimate atmosphere” but there is no advice on what a woman can do within herself to open this mental, emotional and sensual space, there is only advice on how to touch your genitals. Science recognises the need for psycho-emotional research into orgasm but keeps taking blood samples of hormones. Only the Tantric knowledge leads a woman along all these paths with practical advice to the centre of her orgasm, and only this way can she reach a deep and fulfilling orgasm.
Nothing can guarantee a female orgasm at the deepest level, it is one of its curiosities that a woman has to let go and open and wait for this guest to feel welcome, but she can definitely do a lot to create that welcoming space.