Many people these days think that to be happy in sex they need to separate love and sex. Men do it because they are haven’t learned to be aroused with emotions. And women do it because they are afraid to be hurt.
On the contrary – the reason our lovemaking is not as satisfying as we would like it to be is because we still haven’t learned to put enough love into sex. Instead, we ignore that aspect completely and chase superficial entertainment or pleasure through basic physical reflexes. We try harder and harder at that, not realising that we are consciously cutting off the very source of sexual happiness.
Love is more than just a nice feeling. It is true energy in sex. It adds richness, dimension to the sexual energy you feel in sex. Without it we are left with a local physical stimulation, and no real nourishment happens. Our sexual flow is very feeble, restricted to building up tension very locally, and we do not get a vibrant feeling from it, we do not feel nourished and glowing after making love.
It is true for both men and women. But while men are famously driven by their sexual energy in the groin more, women are complementary – the opposite. For women, the energy of sex starts truly flowing only from the heart, and only that can ignite the rest of her sexual being to the extent that can give her a strong sexual flow. The sexual centre in the genitals is secondary to that.
When people say they need to disassociate sex from love they mean that they want to be able to make love short-term, without dreaming of a future forever after with that person. But you need not rob yourself of love, even if it is a one-night stand. There is no need to equate love to a commitment, relationship, marriage.
Love doesn’t need to be measured in how long you have spent together, what your future plans are and how much you can trust him with never leaving you. Yes there are many definitions of love, but in sex love is something quite specific to sex. Love in sex is the energy that flows, the experience right now that makes you happy. Love in sex is just about who you are in this very moment right now – are you a loving being?
Love is just energy, electricity that you give out in this moment. It is the energy of human warmth, compassion, care, generosity. You don’t love someone because they deserve it – you love because it is you who deserves it. It is not about who he is, it is about who you are. Love makes you alive, you love because you respect yourself as good human being, not some consumer or a detached machine, and you want to experience the best of yourself. It is about making love flow in this very moment, not based on the past or the future.
Love is giving. Being loving doesn’t hurt people, it makes people feel good. What hurts people is other things. Sometimes people expect something in return for their love and it hurts them when they don’t receive it. Sometimes people make wrong judgements, and confuse that with the act of loving. Sometimes people let other forces in themselves, like desire or obsession, to seek gratification, and they confuse that with love. Sometimes people feel that their love wasn’t praised or noticed enough and it hurts their self-image. But love itself is beautiful, it makes you feel beautiful, and it never hurts anyone. It is a pure act of giving, sharing. If you are lucky to have an opportunity to love someone if only for a second, it is a gift from life.
It’s not that love has to be disassociated from sex. Rather, love has to be disassociated from the imaginary contracts in your head. It has to become just an energy you give out in this very moment to this person you have decided to be with – for the sake of him and also for the sake of yourself, because it is good for you too to be loving in sex. When the night is finished it will be a different story and you can think about where it should go then, but for now let your love flow, it will only make things nicer for you.
We need more love, not less, in lovemaking. We don’t need to disassociate – we need to connect with it more. It has to become more than just a liking of someone in your mind – you have to learn to channel it into your body and let your body give it out, so that your partner can feel it as a physical reality. Women have to learn to do this consciously, on a practical level. This is what some lessons on Tantric sex can teach you.
Without love as a physical reality flowing through your body, your sexual being is only half awake and you will never reach the sexual happiness and pleasure that you desire. You will not find the missing piece through a better clitoral technique.
Without love in the moment of sex, your lovemaking will never become a bond that you want it to be, it will always stay on the superficial level for both of you, and you will not grow as a couple in making love.
Love inspires. Without love you can never hope that he will treat you more than a sex object – if you don’t have it, it is even harder for him. And if you are lucky to meet someone who is already giving you love in his sex, he may well get disappointed soon unless you do the same.
Don’t have love without sex – you will be the first one to miss out.
The deep experience of Tantric massage shows you ways in which you can open this love in your body and let it flow as part of your sexual experiences. It is difficult to make it happen abstractly, we need practical ways of doing this, and only Tantric wisdom offers them. In my Tantric and Yoni massages I guide you towards this, so that you can explore how it happens.