Sometimes when women are unhappy with the fact that they are not having orgasms as often as they want to, it is not because they want one every time – it is because their partners want them to have one every time.
Men often think that women are like them – that unless they have on orgasm they haven’t had good sex. This is simply not true, many women enjoy the act of lovemaking itself and are relaxed about orgasms – sometimes they happen, sometimes they don’t. The design of the woman is such that, unless, she has made herself believe that without an orgasm there is no satisfaction, she can have perfectly great sex without it.
Men see it as a failure. First – on their part a lover, then – on your part as the one who has a problem. Your man may go into great effort to give you an orgasm. It stops being an act of love and becomes his personal project for achievement. Often, it makes women wonder if there is something wrong with them, and they get upset because their partners are not satisfied with this state of things. It may make a woman lose confidence in her sexual wellbeing.
There is nothing wrong with you if you can’t climax every time. You are not supposed to be able to have orgasms every time, they depend on many factors and your being has ways of getting satisfaction from sex without them. Sex is a lot more than releasing tension, and an orgasm is just a small part of good sex – sometimes it isn’t even needed for you to feel good. Not just women, but men too can have great sex without orgasms and it’s not even recommended for men to have one every time for best sex.
When you are forced into having to climax it becomes hard work for you, and the more worried and tense you get about it the harder it is to reach orgasm. You need to relax and let go to be able to have them more easily but if your man is pressuring you it is difficult to do. Sex stops being a moment of beauty and connection and you both feel that you have to deliver. It can really kill the moment for women, while it is supposed to be for their own enjoyment.
For some men it is genuine generosity meeting their unawareness of how women work. They may genuinely believe that you won’t be happy if you don’t get an orgasm and no matter how much you tell them that you will, they think you are just trying to make them feel better.
For other men, it can actually be quite a selfish act disguised as an act of generosity. They may think that they are trying to give you pleasure but in reality their own ego as lovers is at stake. For a man, giving a woman an orgasm is often like scoring a goal. If you have to come out of your place of joy and work hard to deliver them this satisfaction of giving satisfaction to you, then how is this for your sake? You shouldn’t put yourself through so much tension and self-doubt because your man needs self-validation. If he wants to do something nice for you, then it has to be what you would like, not what would make him feel good regardless of your feelings.
You might have already mentioned to him that you don’t necessarily need an orgasm to be happy in sex, but you just need to really bring the message home. You need to make him secure, make him believe that it really is true for you. So do your best and have an in-depth conversation with him that will assure you that he heard you and believed you.
It is perfectly normal for a woman to enjoy sex sometimes with an orgasm and sometimes not, so don’t lose confidence if this is the case – this is your gift, it means you can go into deeper dimensions of love in sex without obsessing with results. It is important for you to be relaxed in sex, so communicate this to yourself and to him, and don’t be pushed into a situation where you have to force your body into a situation it is uncomfortable in because of your partner’s insecurities – find a way to talk through the insecurities.
For more information about how to enhance your sex life see sex coaching for couples in London.