The Tantric vision of making love is unique in that it strengthens sexual attraction in a couple who have been together for some time. It is true unity and it is best enjoyed with someone who you truly know and intimate with, then wonderful depths of joy open up for you.
It’s not to say that you can’t benefit from this wisdom with someone new or casual – lovemaking becomes better in general, with whoever, but it is even more satisfying with a stable partner.
A more standard vision of sex does exactly the opposite. When you first meet, your sexual energies are high, powerfully drawn to each other. Everything is so fresh, there is so much to try and experience together.
As time goes by, though, the new is no longer new – by definition – and the initial excitement subsides. Many times there is nothing to take its place and the sex life dwindles.
New is supposed to be new and then it is supposed to become familiar. We understand and enjoy it in everything else, we appreciate things while they are new and then we appreciate them for becoming familiar.
We move into a new place and explore it with excitement. Then we love coming back to that home from another exciting destination, and appreciate how well we know the place and how this sense of belonging feels so right. ]
We take up a new job with enthusiasm for learning new things and trying ourselves out, and then we get to enjoy the sense of mastery and the confidence of being an expert in a familiar field, pushing our interests to greater depths that were not open to us in the beginning.
We find a new hobby fascinating, but with time we appreciate it because it may not be new but it makes us feel really good and when we feel down we know this is what we will savour.
We are acutely interested in a new person but with time we appreciate this person as a long-time friend who knows all about us with nothing else left hidden.
But in sex we miss this transition from a fresh couple to a stable one, from the novelty of sex to familiar sex. We treat it as magic, and we even call it “magic” (as in “the magic is gone”), as if it is nothing in our power. When it is there it is there and when it is not it is not – this is the passive attitude of most people.
You can have the most stable house but if you just leave it to run its course the natural forces will bring it down. You need to maintain it. Yet in making love we leave it all to magic – whether you feel like it or not today.
Lovemaking fades because we are just passive recipients, we don’t learn to maintain it. And maintaining it doesn’t mean keeping that sense of initial novelty – that is impossible by definition. Maintaining it means making a transition from fresh lovemaking to mature relationship sex. That is a completely different way of making love, it is not in any way more boring, it can be very fulfilling and stay with you forever but you are going into a completely new area of your relationship and you need to learn how to make it happen.
That initial surge will always wear off however attracted you are to each other in the beginning. It is just human nature. Trying to get it back is like wanting to be 5 years old again – wonderful but impossible.
But there is no need to despair – this is a great opportunity to go into another kind of satisfying lovemaking. You know each other, you love each other, you have a sense of closeness and you cooperate in all you do. You can synchronise to reach amazing sexual depths that you can’t achieve with someone new.
Lovemaking doesn’t need to keep being something that just takes you over and gives you entertainment. Making love can become a place where you go because you have been there so many times with your partner, that you know how wonderful it is to spend some time in it, to share, and to charge up. You go there not because it is something new but because you know that it will make you feel fantastic and will bring love into your relationship. You look forward to the same sex as before in the same way as you look forward to the same favourite hobby you have had for years.
It takes learning how to open that deep enjoyment of the moment in each other. There are very practical things (from Tantric sexual technique) that every couple can do to teach themselves to enjoy every moment of sex deeply without the need for entertainment or new excitement. Your sexual energy can expand to give you a much more pleasant experience, a very deep satisfaction, a whole new dimension of pleasure, a whole world, if you go into this moment and don’t try to chase the excitement of novelty.
But we don’t. When sex starts dwindling we just look for more ways to get interested in it, to get aroused. That’s when lots of couples experiment with scenarios, swapping, clothes, etc. All that does is make you want to make love once more but the sex itself is empty, you have not transformed the very moment of enjoying it while it lasts, you have only performed a mental trick. So you keep looking for more ways to get entertained and aroused, and you look forever, because whatever you find will get old too.
Besides, you start realising that the best way to experience this novelty is with someone new.
Variety is important and there is a place for it in the Tantric sexual vision too – no one can do the same thing every time. But it can’t be the only thing that feeds you, then it is just a constant chase for more. You also need to build a home, a lovemaking that will be fulfilling precisely because it is with someone who you know and love, and you will do the things you have done many time in the past – because they feel fantastic.
This evokes images of boredom in most people, but only because they have never seen the deep pleasure that can happen here, they never learned how exactly to have this kind of lovemaking – and there is a lot to learn. So, convinced that it is all about variety, they feel bored and empty when they try “relationship sex” and they decide it is not for them. They wait for it to happen without learning anything about how to make it happen. Normal sex is based on principles that are empty and this makes it constantly destined for boredom.
Imagine sleep – we always love to sleep. Is it boring? We don’t even ask ourselves this question. We love sleeping in any position because it feels great and we need it, it is good as it is without making it novel and exciting.
All that sex experts tell us is built on finding variety with no depth or connection. But it is something we can, and should, learn. Then your sex naturally transforms from the passionate novelty to the mature loving pleasure that feeds you. Couples need to be pro-active about it and not let it run its own course to depletion.
Tantric wisdom teaches you exactly this – practical ways to make that transition from fantastic novelty sex to fantastic mature relationship sex that feeds you. Everyone can make that step but you need guidance because we rarely find it intuitively. You can learn it easily just like anything else. You can take Tantric sex coaching, or you can take a more experiential approach and truly transform yourself through a sensual session in London of Tantric massage for women to bring this knowledge into your relationship.