Many women feel that they need an orgasm because if they don’t have one they feel frustrated, tense, irritable.
It has been described in sex literature as “pink balls” – by the analogy with “blue balls” – male frustration when he doesn’t get an orgasm after all that tension is pent up.
The “pink balls” phenomenon is exactly what it sounds like – frustration by women who mistake female sexuality for male sexuality and imagine both sexes having balls and hence getting frustrated when those are not emptied.
A man is very driven by the tension of pent-up raw sexual energy in his groin, this is his main centre of concern in sex. This is why he doesn’t take time with the woman, this is why he rushes, moves vigorously towards the orgasm, and sex for him is just the build-up of this genital tension and then pleasure from releasing it.
Women have traditionally complained about this narrow scope of love-making, but more and more they take the same approach. For many women these days sex is about stimulating their genitals to build up tension, and then release it through orgasm, and the pleasure comes from the difference that they experience at that point.
However, a woman is not a man. It is much more difficult for her to achieve an orgasm simply through physical stimulation. Her genitals are a lot more complex and are not designed ideally to orgasm through penetration, as the penis is.
Even if there is more direct stimulation – by hands or tongue – female genitals are designed to work together with her mind, heart and the rest of her body to create an orgasm together, so when women don’t address that, for many women getting an orgasm locally is hard work.
The female body is also not so constantly geared towards orgasm, the orgasms don’t have a biological function to the same extent as the male orgasm, and they can easily become inaccessible in certain moods, circumstances or the time of the month while the woman’s body wants to be nourished by other aspects of sex.
The fear of being left frustrated makes the woman tense up and the orgasms become even more difficult. Very often men can’t do enough about it and women are left frustrated without an orgasm.
The reason women feel frustrated is two-fold.
It is first of all mental. By deciding that without the orgasm you won’t be happy you will indeed be left unsatisfied. Maybe today your body wanted something more relaxing, maybe it didn’t want such vigorous stimulation of the genitals, but you are habitually focused on getting an orgasm and you you are not used to listening to your body’s different needs.
If you don’t get so fixated on the orgasm and instead really explore the pleasure in every moment of sex, that often can be perfectly enough to leave you happy and satisfied. Did you want to connect and exchange love with your partner, spend some time together, or did you want to put a tick in a box for your achievement?
On the bodily level it is difficult to separate the mental from the physical. You may well find that if you don’t set yourself an aim of getting an orgasm, you are okay without it if the sex was good, pleasurable and loving. You may think that you have tried that before but have you really? It’s not just about trying not to want an orgasm, there are many ways in which you can help yourself open to pleasure in every moment, and Tantric wisdom can offer that knowledge.
Secondly, there is indeed a physical tension. By concentrating on your genitals and stimulating them so purposefully, by pouring all your effort into it, you create a lot of tension, a pressure-cooker of sexual energy in your groin. It has all streamed in there and now it needs to get out. If it doesn’t, it brings you discomfort. But it didn’t have to be all pent up there in the first place. You could have channelled that energy through your whole body, away from the genitals, to become ecstatic holistically, in your whole being. This is one of the main things I teach in my London studio when I work with women in Tantric massage, for example. Then there is no pressure in any one place, the sexual energy is everywhere. It gives you pleasure and wonderful waves of satisfaction but it doesn’t need to burst out because it is more evenly spread out. Sexual energy channelled this way stays with you, it isn’t thrown out with an orgasm, and it is actually a great feeling to be filled by it, rather than be emptied.
I may sound like what men have been telling women for centuries – to forget about their orgasm. The truth is, no one benefits from excessive tension from chasing orgasms – men or women. Men too can experience much greater happiness by learning to relax about their orgasms, not having to depend on them, explore sex without orgasms, and by channelling their energy away from the genitals. It serves no one to be frustrated about orgasms, on either side of the relationship. It serves no one if women now join men in this obsession. Both partners have a lot to gain if instead both men and women explore how sex doesn’t have to be so dependent on orgasms. (see sex coaching and Tantric sex teaching in London for further advice for couples)
You don’t have to be frustrated. It is totally within your power to steer yourself away from that frustration. By learning more about enjoying every moment of sex in many dimensions at the same time you take that pressure off yourself. By learning how to channel your sexual energy so that it doesn’t get pent up in your genitals you nourish your whole being with this goodness and at the same time you release the pressure in your groin. You can be perfectly satisfied with good lovemaking without an orgasm, but the paradox is that by going in that direction you come closer than ever to the orgasms themselves.
Learning to enjoy every moment of sex without getting focused on the orgasm is difficult without guidance and practical advice. It’s not enough to just not have an orgasm. You need to know how to open your whole being in all the right ways to not be pulled in the direction of genital tension and to go deeper into pleasure in your whole body and heart. You can learn about this in one of the Tantric appointments on offer, in particular the session of a Yoni massage in London.