I have already written an article of why sex has been oppressed by religion, and why it can be a truly spiritual experience.
Many people feel the weight of a religious upbringing when it comes to their negative views in sexuality. Even this generation almost in its entirety is affected by their own religious beliefs or by the beliefs of their parents.
We live in the age where it is generally accepted that sex is natural and important. Yet, many people still feel restricted in it, uncomfortable. Shame, guilt and disgust are common companions of sex, whether it is about having intercourse, or just undressing in front of your partner.
Many people had some kind of religious influence in the early years of their life, and were at first exposed to the negative views of it. Others, while not religious, may have grown up in a family or a culture that views sex negatively for religious reasons.
As people grow up they often reassess their beliefs. They may stop being religious or they may retain their faith but decide that negative views on sex are not a part of their beliefs. Yet, while realising this consciously, they can not get rid of subconscious negative conditioning when they are in bed with someone, or after. Shame, guilt and discomfort may still follow them.
I don’t believe that this is purely because those negative emotions take time to dissolve. I think it is because deep inside we often border on agreeing with religion in that sex is something shameful – because of the way we do it.
I already wrote in the other article that there are two sides to sex. We can have a more animal, biological version of it, where we just follow our primitive urges – satisfy desire, shake off tension, consume what we want. Or we can make something more human out of it – create a flow of love and purifying force that makes us heal, evolve, grow and connect with each other.
Deciding that sex is ok is just not enough. It can easily slip into something that is still making you uneasy when we are not informed on how to practise it in the way that actually creates a higher energy, rather than follow primitive sexual technique promoted in our culture.
Many people get disappointed in this little caveat. When the only change we make is to allow ourselves to have sex, we often go with the easiest and most primitive urges. The climate in the media is feeding that, creating a consumerist and superficial attitude of selfish gratification through bad “expert” advice and lots of porn and porn-like attitudes.
The sex that we have often makes us feel naughty – and while this is a popular word in this area we often feel naughty in the negative sense of the word.
Obsessed with squeezing out physical pleasure, we treat our bodies as something truly animal, pulling and pushing them into submission.
We chase our own personal satisfaction often without regard for our partners (at least at the very moment – although we may realise this after sex), treating them practically as masturbation tools.
We want to be always entertained on a superficial level, getting quickly bored of something that is not a bright fruit. We manipulate each other with sexual currency and we might use emotional violence.
We are demanding instead of compassionate, hard to satisfy instead of grateful, always wanting more than what we already have. We consciously use each other to perform sexual favours and to submit to each other’s wishes and fantasies even if our partners don’t really want to – something we wouldn’t necessarily do in other areas of our relationship.
Mostly, it is not because we have those qualities in ourselves as people – we may actually want to be completely the opposite- but our sexual culture encourages us to behave in this way as if it were the secret to ‘good sex’.
One might think that all of this relates more to men, as common wisdom has it, but in reality women increasingly take the same approach, and it becomes a tug-of-war between partners rather than a loving union.
Imagine a child walking into your bedroom while you are in the heat of high passion with your lover. Most times you will have a hard job explaining to the scared child afterwards that it was an act of love, and not of violence.
The sex advice these days tell us that this is great lovemaking and this is what we should strive for. Sexual attitudes in our culture propagate only one thing – feel ok about everything, whatever it is.
Instinctively though we feel that what often comes up in sex are the qualities of us that we don’t like – selfishness, greed, roughness. More and more, sexual practices include things that are degrading or unattractive. We don’t feel like a better human being afterwards, and we don’t feel like we have been treated like one either.
We haven’t expressed the best of ourselves, often on the contrary. Our integral sense of beauty and integrity is in conflict with this reality, but the media says that this is what we should be. And, with the undertone of religious upbringing in our early years we instinctively feel that this is not good for us as human beings. We carry on having this kind of sex but the feeling stays with us.
Some people think that they need to get rid of their conditioning and then they will be comfortable with sex. That would be to say that if you have no religious influence you will be free to feel good in every way you wish – even if you are being abusive, abused or selfish. It may be possible but perhaps not compatible with our own personal values – and this is the nagging feeling that follows us into sex.
If we look into our sexual practices and we make them a place for respect, beauty, and love as well as intense divinity of pleasure, then this goodness will be the best proof to us that what we experience in sex is positive, and the religious conditioning will dissolve by itself.
Change your sex and you will change your subconscious attitudes.
You can connect with this higher dimension of sexuality by learning Tantric sex through coaching or workshops. You can also take an experiential journey on your own – I offer Tantric massage sessions to women in London which can show you a different reality, and you can also take a session of a healing Yoni massage.
Tantric wisdom leads us to these better qualities of sex where we can enjoy things immensely but experience the beauty and positivity that it brings into our lives. Allow it to lead you into this reality, not just an intellectual concept, the space where you can experience through your body the beauty and goodness that sexuality has for you, and where you will see that your negative ideas of it are not true.